Squawk Radio

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Lisa's Excellent Adventure

I have been swamped with end-of-school childrens' activities lately. It seems that graduating from third grade requires the same amount of expenses, meetings, parties and gifts as my own graduation from high school did. Between that and work, I've been busy. And I hate being busy.

But all my suffering will come to an end when I meet our own beloved Eloisa in Harper's Ferry for the Washington Romance Writers conference this weekend! I am living for the moment when my Friday night speech is concluded and I am free to drink until my eyeballs float. Eloisa and I will have many Excellent Adventures, I have no doubt . . . and of course we will report all the interesting details!

Of course you must be wondering, "Lisa, does it take a lot of work to prepare for a writer's conference? Writing your speech? Planning your daily wardrobe?"

Mais non. I have only one speech, with variations, so that is not hard. And choosing my wardrobe is easy when I only have three pairs of pants that fit this week. The main preparation that I made today was obviously a crucial one.

I got a spray tan.

I went to our local tanning parlor and paid ten dollars to stand in a big metal vault with a door that looks like a submarine hatch. Following the instructions that had been given to me, I stripped down, put "barrier cream" on hands and feet . . . isn't barrier cream something that should accompany a contraceptive device? . . . and stood in front of a row of alarming spray nozzles. They sprayed cold tanning mist from head to toe . . . over and over and over again. Word of advice--don't open your mouth during this process. Don't open your eyes. Keep every part of your body as tightly closed as possible.

During the spraying, I felt rather like Jaclyn Smith on that Very Special Episode of Charlie's Angels, titled "Angels In Chains". Those of you who have seen it will understand.

Now I look thinner without having exercised, and I have a gorgeous bronze I've-just-been-to-Acapulco glow.

Embrace your inner shallowness, I always say.
Lisa Kleypas, 8:15 PM