Squawk Radio

I have been on a jeans search for months now. My Levi 501s are great for around the house, but I wanted something a little fancier for the grocery store. I have yet to find a pair of jeans that fit me! Either they are too short, or they hit right at my hip bone--which may be attractive on Terry Hatcher but on me, makes most people shield their eyes--or, if you can't wear the new hip-hugging elephant bell pants, then there are Lee jeans. You know the Lee jeans -- high pockets? Straight legs? Totally unhip for people like me who care what people think of them?

Well imagine my great delight to read that the Gap had come out with a new line of jeans for women. Not stick figure Lollipop heads, but real women. They had three kinds: Straight, for those women who have managed to hit 40 without putting on any weight and can still wear the body-hugging jeans. Full, for women who have hit 40 with some extra baggage, cut wider in the hips and thighs. And Generous, for women who have extra padding in the back, and if they get jeans to fit the butt, the waist is too big, and if it fits in the waist, it is too small through the hips. In other words, your standard big butt jeans.

Well color me ecstatic. My problem is more tummy, but I figured with the three new cuts, I would find something to wear. So I trot down to the Gap, pick up jeans in the fantasy size I think I still wear in the straight--which I was certain I could still wear--and in full. No need to try on the big butt jeans.

I tried on the straight jeans first. Big mistake. Got them on over the hips and thighs okay, but no way were the two ends going to meet, and judging by the gap I had left, I figured I needed at least two sizes larger, which was sooooo not going to happen. So I peeled those off, and pulled on the full jeans. They were better, but the fuller cut in the thighs made it look like I had saddlebags on either side of me. The salesgirl appears about this time and says, "How you doing in there, ma'am?"

Ma'am. That should have been my first clue to get out of the Gap.

I said, "Well, I am a little disappointed, frankly. I read all about your new cuts and they aren't working for me."

Salesgirl (opening my cubby hole door to have a look for herself). "Ah," she says, nodding knowingly. "I think I have some jeans you might like."

"Don't bring me those big butt jeans!" I shout after her. "I DON'T HAVE A BIG BUTT!"

I don't know if she heard me or not. So I peel off the full cut jeans, and the girl returns a moment later with two pairs of blue and two pairs of black jeans. "Here," she says, thrusting them at me. "I brought a couple of different sizes and styles."

Different sizes. Universal sales girl code for I-can't-believe-you-are-trying-THAT-size-you-enormous-pig.

"Thanks," I say, and take the jeans and shut the cubby hole door.

"Let me know how those do!" she sings. I silently mimic her while I pull on the first pair of jeans. They actually fit. They fit! They fit they fit they fit! They come up to just below my waist, so nothing is hanging over. They are just the right length, too. I sit down in them, stand up again, check out my butt, and discover that much to my surprise, these jeans lift and separate! I look good! Okay, so its a size larger than what I really wear. I can live with that. The good news is, I have a pair of jeans that fit! I'm so excited that I decide to take both blue and black.

"How's it going, ma'am?" the salesgirl calls out to me. "Do you need another size?"

"NO," I snort, insulted she would even ask. I come out, hand her the blue and black. "I'll take both."

Her eyes light up. We march together to the checkstand. And as I hand my credit card over, I happen to glance at the tag. "Generous," it says. I have just purchased two pairs of Big Butt Jeans. And they fit. siiiigh. And in a bigger size.

Someone just shoot me.

If anyone knows of jeans that actually cover the offending parts, are long enough for tall women, and don't say generous anywhere on the tag or inside labels, will you please clue me in?