Squawk Radio

The other day, Dr. Phil did something that made me very irritable. Not that this is anything new, since--and this may come as a shock to many of you--I get irritable A LOT. But, what can I say, Dr. Phil just has this effect on me. It’s not that I have anything against therapists. Hey, I dedicated a book to mine. But a good therapist should help YOU find the way to solving your problems. Dr. Phil, in my opinion, just likes to tell people what to do.

And the other day, it was a notice on MSN that said something like, “DR. PHIL TELLS WIVES HOW TO KEEP THEIR MARRIAGES HAPPY” or something like that. I, naturally, immediately thought, “Hey, Dr. Phil! How come WIVES are the ones upon whom this onus falls, huh? What about HUSBANDS? Marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition, ya know!”

I mean, c’mon. Dr. Phil, a guy, telling women what to do to keep their marriages happy? The only thing more ridiculous would be Dr. Phil telling people how to shed pounds. Oh, wait. He did that, too, didn’t he?

It’s all making sense now.

So I figure I'm just as qualified to tell people how to live as Dr. Phil is. In fact, I’m probably more qualified, on account of I tell scores of people what to do every day. Every time I get behind the wheel of my car, as a matter of fact. I also tell many of them where to go.

But I digress.

Anyway, in the spirit of equal opportunity, I’ve decided that I should offer some tips for husbands on what they can do to to keep their marriages happy. Dr. Phil offered five tips, I think. (I can’t honestly remember. I stopped reading right after the part that said, “Dr. Phil Tells Wives How to Keep Their Marriages Happy,” and clicked on the recipe for fruit kebabs and margarita dip. I mean, at least that’s a dip you’d LIKE to have at your next party.) But I, naturally, couldn’t narrow my list to five tips. So here are my TEN tips for husbands on what they can do to keep their marriages happy. (You can thank me later.)

1. Bring home roses for no special occasion.

2. Splurge on the big box of Godiva chocolate.

3. Give her oral sex in the bedroom.

4. Hire a housekeeper to come in once a month.

5. Give her oral sex in the kitchen.

6. Take the kids for the entire day and tell her to go do whatever she wants.

7. Give her oral sex on the dining room table.

8. Change the channel from the NFL Network to Oxygen without her having to ask.

9. Give her oral sex on the stairs.

And finally...

10. The next time there’s a big celebrity auction and Orlando Bloom is up for grabs, don’t give a thought to that second mortgage she wants to take out on the house.

It occurs to me that if anyone knows what number eleven should be, it's you people who visit Squawk Radio. So how about it? What suggestions would YOU give to the husband who wants to keep his marriage happy? (I know of at least one husband who's going to be checking in hourly in for ideas - if he wants to do that oral sex thing, I mean...)