Squawk Radio

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


AQUARIUS (January 21-February 19)

Enormous amounts of Russell Crowe spam begin to deluge your in-box. Try adding Teresa to your Blocked Sender list.

PISCES (February 20-March 20)

OK. It's your birthday (again). Should you tell the truth or not? Not. James Frey doesn't worry about little details like this. And he's rich.

ARIES (March 21-April 20)

This is a bad month to buy a gerbil. Resist. No –
I said RESIST!

TAURUS (April 21-May 21)

Yes, yes, we know beauty is only skin deep. Still, the Squawkers suggest http://www.blissworld.com to find goods to buff up that shallow patina Because let's face it, we're not interested in having a beautiful liver.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)

Your two faces are looking at one another this month. Time to start journaling.

CANCER (June 22-July 22)

You know that time when you thought you would start scrap-booking, so you raided Target? And that time when you were going to upholster your own furniture, leading to 14 yards of green checked cloth in the attic? I don't have to remind you about those chocolate molds in the garage, do I? Can anyone spell GARAGE SALE?

LEO (July 23-August 23)

It's March, and you've entered the month roaring. Be advised: the neighbor watch is taking up a petition.

VIRGO (August 24-September 22)

A short woman named Christina comes to your house in a chicken suit. Don't answer the door.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22)

Freud thought about what women want and couldn't come up with an answer. Buy yourself some chocolate. It's nice to be so much smarter than the geniuses.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21)

Someday your prince will come. But with your luck, you'll be bent over unsticking a glob of gum from your polyurethane sneaker when he does and you'll miss him. So don't buy any cheap-ass shoes this month. What did you say? Pilates butt exercises? Let's not overdo it...

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21)

Rev your engine a little this month. The song isn't called "Born to be Mild," ya know.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 20)

Hang on to your youth! Keep him locked in a closet.

So...how'are we doing? Want to add a bit to your horoscope? Give us a SQUAWK!
Eloisa James, 11:08 AM