Squawk Radio

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Liz Offers Ten Signs that You Just Mailed Off a New Book to Your Editor (Originally Posted September 2005)

Okay, now that Connie's taken you back down memory lane about what it's like to BEGIN a new book, I offer you a look back at my top ten ways to know you've just e-mailed a FINISHED book to your editor. (And a noteworthy comment: This list never changes, no matter how much time goes by.)

10. You scream horribly when you catch your reflection in the mirror.

9. The !@#$%ing bathroom scale is !@#$%ed up to the tune of an extra ten !@#$%ing pounds.

8. You’re wearing your bangs in a ponytail.

7. You marvel at the big heat-producing appliance in your kitchen and wonder what it’s for. (But how cool that it does just the opposite of that big cold-producing appliance on the other wall!)

6. You can’t remember what that thing is called. You know. That thing. That whatever it is. That thing you use everyday. That...oh, hell. You know...

5. When you leave the house, it’s with cries of, “My eyes! My eyes! That fiery orb in the sky is burning out my retinas! AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!”

4. GMAC Financing is calling every two minutes wanting to know why you haven’t made the the car payment for over a month, and you can’t remember what a car is, let alone this payment thing they keep talking about, and what the hell would a month have to do with it, since bacon and months was what you ate for breakfast?

3. The bottle of Johnnie Walker Black you bought to crack open in celebration of the book being finished is gone. As is the replacement you bought for it. As is the replacement you bought for the replacement.

2. Your family stares back at you with expressions they would normally save for fresh roadkill.

And the number one sign you’ve just mailed off a new book to your editor is:

You’ve been having an orgasm for twelve hours, even though your husband hasn’t come near you since you stopped shaving your legs and using moisturizer at some point in chapter eighteen!

Yes, my book is FINISHED! Better yet, it’s MAILED! Talk about writing orgasmic ecstasy! I’m free! Free, do you hear me? FREE FREE FREE! FREEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Well, except for that new proposal that’s overdue...
Elizabeth Bevarly, 2:39 PM