Squawk Radio

Monday, June 19, 2006

Christina Dodd talks about THE WORST WEDDINGS SHE HAS WITNESSED

It’s like Funniest Home Videos, only you’re there in the church surrounded by the groom’s friends and the bride’s relatives, and you can’t laugh out loud. You’re not even sure you want to, because this is the wedding of someone you know, and the minister is wearing a suit that looks like he slept in it, the best man is chewing gum, and the pianist didn’t practice the wedding music. In fact, if she can play music at all, she hides the fact pretty well. You turn to the groom’s mother and try to lift her spirits with a jocular comment — “Maybe the pianist at least practiced the wedding march.” She turns and offers a frosty glare. “That’s my sister playing.”

Yeah, like that never happened to you.

When Scott’s cousin got married (the first time), the ring bearer was about three. The little guy carried the beautifully decorated pillow with the wedding rings tied to it with ribbons all the way down the aisle without mishap. Yay, ring bearer! Then the minister, a grown man, tried to get the rings loose, couldn’t untie the knots, and with an audible ripping sound, tore them off the pillow and blessed them while they were dangling from the ribbons. The sight of those gold circles swinging back and forth is still burned into my brain.

One time I saw the groom place the ring on the bride’s hand — the wrong hand. During the rest of the ceremony, the congregation watched, fascinated, as the bride struggled to get it off her right hand and onto her left hand. So much for keeping the ring on forever as the symbol of their love.

I went to one wedding for friends in college — I’ll call them Sam and Anne. Anne was a sweet, kind, lovely flake of a girl. Sam was a great guy, the salt of the earth, but he was the wrong religion for Anne’s folks. So when I walked into the church, Anne’s side of the church was completely empty. Completely empty. Intimidated, I scurried over to Sam's side and sat down. Sam came out and waited at the front of the church. The wedding march began. And Anne didn’t come out. And she didn’t come out. And she didn’t come out. Sam was clearly panicked. His family, who obviously wasn’t any too happy about Anne, started muttering, and in disgust, Sam's mother proclaimed, loud enough for everyone to hear, “She’s changed her mind.” But finally Anne came down the aisle, she and Sam were married, and they were very happy. Whew!

I’ll bet you’ve witnessed, or been involved in, weddings that included those awful, embarrassing, horrifying moments … that make a wedding so wonderful and memorable you giggle about it years later. Pull up a folding chair, have a cup of punch, balance a plate of wedding cake on your knees, and tell us all about it.
Christina Dodd, 2:35 AM
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