Squawk Radio

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


1) You spot a Squawker's table at the Wednesday Night Literacy Signing. You immediately...

a) Scream and squeal as if you just saw Donny Osmond/Hugh Jackman
b) Run over and rearrange her books in a more attractive fashion before buying them all to give away as Christmas presents
c) Throw yourself over the table and ask her to sign your breast (or your baby)

2) You spot a television crew approaching a Squawker's table at the Literacy Signing. You...

a) Grab as many friends and strangers as you can find and form a long line to make the Squawker appear more popular
b) Stick your face in front of the camera and snarl, "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille."
c) Bend over and moon the camera

3) You spot Teresa and Lisa strolling down the hotel corridor arm in arm

a) Start humming "Puppy Love"
b) Start humming "There She Comes, Miss America"
c) Rush over and tell them how much you've always loved Ellen DeGeneres

4) After Christina gives her luncheon speech on Saturday, you...

a) Spring to your feet, tears streaming down your face, and give her a standing ovation
b) Spring to your feet, tears streaming down your face, and give her a standing ovation
c) Spring to your feet, tears streaming down your face, and give her a standing ovation

5) You run into Christina in the hotel lobby after her speech. You immediately rush up to her and tell her how she...

a) gave you the inspiration you so desperately needed to fulfill all of your dreams
b) cured your insomnia
c) interrupted your dessert

6) Liz inadvertantly drops her IPOD in one of the conference rooms. You...

a) retrieve it and hand it back to her, telling her how much you love her music blogs
b) retrieve it and slip it into your purse because you know it's got a lot of fabulous music on it
c) wire it into the hotel sound system and start blasting the Clash's "ROCK THE CASBAH" during the Annual General Meeting

7) Investigating a strange noise, you open your hotel room door at 3 a.m. to find Kitty Kuttlestone staggering down the corridor with a lit cigar in one hand and a half-empty bottle of Tanqueray in the other. You...

a) double bolt your hotel room door and call Security
b) invite her in to finish off the bottle
c) call Ed McMahon's room in Vegas and ask him if he lost something

8) At the RITA awards, whenever a Squawker's name is announced, you...

a) cluck like a chicken
b) scream and applaud wildly
c) lean over to the person next to you and say, "She's a close personal friend of mine."

9) When Christina comes sweeping across the stage in her elegant gown to present an award, you...

a) cluck like a chicken
b) yell, "Hey, Xtina, did you know the back of your gown is stuck in your panty hose?"
c) yell, "Oh my stars! It's Julia Roberts!"

10) Realizing that Connie and Eloisa are competing for the same RITA award for Best Anthology Story, you...

a) Scream for Connie
b) Scream for Eloisa
c) Run screaming for the nearest fire exit

11) When Teresa fails to win the RITA after the seventh try, you ...

a) track down Kitty to buy her a drink
b) drag her down off the hotel window ledge by the train of her glamorous gown as she brokenly mumbles, "It's an honor just to be nominated. It's an honor just to be nominated."
c) tackle the winning author, snatch away her RITA and present it to Teresa with a bill of sale

Well, let me know how you do on the etiquette quiz! Do YOU have any etiquette tips for first time conference goers? Things like "Don't wear too much perfume in the elevators", "Don't carry latex balloons because they could kill someone with an allergy to latex" and "Don't slide your unpublished manuscript under the bathroom stall if there's an editor (or Teresa) inside"???
Teresa Medeiros, 6:30 AM