Squawk Radio

Friday, September 15, 2006

Liz Reveals How the Learning Channel Saved Her Life

I was really sick last week. I mean REALLY sick. In fact, at some point last Thursday night, someone lifted me from my bed and moved me to Death’s doorstep. Then they rang Death’s doorbell and ran away. And OF COURSE Death was home and opened his door. And then Death looked down at me and said, “Whoa, Dude. You look like hell. C’mon in. I’ll pour us up a couple Hemlocks.” And I was SO sick, there was a part of me that actually thought doing hemlock shots with Death sounded like a good idea. Only one thing saved my life.

Yes. It was the Learning Channel.

Thankfully, before Death pulled me over the threshold, my husband and son came running up and said, “Sorry, Death, wrong address,” and parked me on the sofa in the family room instead. Then they put two liters of diet ginger ale and the phone on the coffee table, covered me with a blanket, and tuned the TV to the Learning Channel. Then they did the only decent thing they could do--they left for school.

The next 120 hours are a little hazy. I remember a lot of caulk and fake eyelashes, but I’m pretty sure they were on different shows. And I remember two people throwing a woman’s wardrobe into a trash can and telling her she needed to buy the right size bra, because if a woman’s in the wrong bra size, she looks like a triple rum pound cake with rum sauce. Oh, no, wait. That was on a different show, too. I think.

What I DO remember is hearing a lot of advice about how to make things better. What’s interesting is that I heard the same information from people who would probably never sit down at the same table for, um, anything. Supermodel Frederica told me the same thing about sun damage to my skin as did Miami tattoo artist Kat. And the folks on “A Baby Story” are as big on the little black dress as are Clinton and Stacy on “What Not to Wear.” (Though, admittedly, your maternity black dress won’t be quite as little as the one Clinton and Stacy might recommend.)

After five days with The Learning Channel, I learned a lot. If I wanted to flip my house this month, I could do it. If I wanted to be a cover girl, I could do it. If I wanted to host a cocktail party for twenty, I could do it. If I wanted to rebuild a ‘69 Dodge Charger, I could do it. If I wanted to become a late life mom...

Well, let’s not get carried away.

But the main thing I learned from the Learning Channel, is that EVERYthing can be fixed. Including, evidently, someone who’s at Death’s door. A door, I might add, that could really use a good caulking.

So what do YOU do to recover when you’re really, really sick? What are your favorite fix-it shows, be they home and garden or personal hygiene? If you could "fix" one thing about yourself or your life, what would it be? And what’s the best advice you ever got from The Learning Channel?
Elizabeth Bevarly, 8:26 AM